


i hope you think of me highly

by jjhs



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Break Up, Drug Use, Heavy Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-08
Updated: 2020-04-08
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:54:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23541922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jjhs/pseuds/jjhs
Summary: jaemin would be disappointed to see him like this. hyuck would be devastated, but mark is more than used to letting people down. obviously, it’s part of the job. but, it’s also a part of life. you make promises that you wish you could keep, but ultimately, promises are meant to be broken. he said he wouldn’t do this anymore. said he wouldn’t let people pass in and out of his bed sheets anymore. said so many things, meant so many of them.or, mark and hyuck break up because mark is hurting in silence.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee
Comments: 9
Kudos: 64





	i hope you think of me highly

**Author's Note:**

> ooop more markhyuck also its 3:44 am lol
> 
> titled after high by 5soso  
> 10/10 would recommend
> 
> hope you enjoy.

some expectations you can never live up to. some people you can never impress. mark knows this. he’s grown up knowing this, but sometimes, just sometimes, you can fool yourself into thinking maybe you have a chance at it. a chance at being _enough_. 

but, it always comes crashing down around you. when you have expectations and hopes, when you think you can be the person everyone wants you to be. but, bones don’t mold and you can’t force yourself to be someone you’re not. 

it doesn’t work like this and it never does. no matter how much praying you do. no matter how much wishing on fountains you do. expectations crumble, hopes die, and suddenly you’re just a skeleton of the person you once were.

mark is high off his ass and he knows he shouldn’t be, but lately it’s the only thing that numbs the pain. it’s the only thing that keeps him from desperately pleading for hyuck to come back to him. 

he’s on his couch in his big expensive apartment, courtesy of selling millions of copies of albums, but he’s still empty. he has so much, but it’s not enough. nothing ever is.

his fingers itch to grab his phone, to dial the number he should’ve blocked a month ago. that’s how long they’ve been broken up. 30 days, 22 hours, 13 minutes. that’s how long it’s been since mark last held hyuck in his arms. 

relationships never work out. not for regular people, certainly not for idols.

jaemin would be disappointed to see him like this. hyuck would be devastated, but mark is more than used to letting people down. obviously, it’s part of the job. but, it’s also a part of life. you make promises that you wish you could keep, but ultimately, promises are meant to be broken. he said he wouldn’t do this anymore. said he wouldn’t let people pass in and out of his bed sheets anymore. said so many things, meant so many of them. 

he doesn’t know how it happens, but suddenly his phone is ringing and he’s speaking to the voicemail. 

“donghyuck,” his voice is rough from the hours he’s spent in silence, “i know you hate me. hate me with everything you have, hate me with everything you don’t too...and you probably should. but, i’m trying to change. i wish i could show you. i’m...i’m not meant to be this person, i know i’m not. i’m not meant to have one night stands. i just don’t know what else to do. because if i’m not with someone else, i’m thinking about you. if i’m not high, i’m hurting so bad i just wanna numb the pain. i dunno if you’d understand that. 

“you’ve moved on. i’ve seen the pictures all over the internet. your fans love to tag me in the posts. i know your fans don’t like me. they never did. always wanted you for themselves, hated sharing. i was never good enough for you in their mind. maybe, i was never good enough for you in your mind either. i don’t know. i should go. bye, donghyuck.”

mark hadn’t even realized that his time had been up long ago. he just sighs, mind foggy. being high isn’t enough anymore. it doesn’t make that ache in his chest disappear like it used to. it just accentuates it, makes it hurt so badly he can feel it all over.

he wants to call one of his hookups, wants to make the pain go away so badly. for just a few hours, his mind is distracted enough to the point where hyuck is just a foggy memory. and then the memories come flooding back. 

hyuck may see mark as nothing but scum, but mark can think of hyuck highly. mark never lived up to hyuck’s expectation, but hyuck surpassed mark’s by a landslide. lee donghyuck was perfect in so many ways. he loved, laughed, smiled, hugged, cuddled, kissed with so much passion. he was one of a kind. 

mark vaguely remembers the break up. or, well, the latest break up that is. they’ve had two over the past 3 years. the first was around seven months into their relationship. it only lasted four measly days. mark thinks that break up was because they were young and in love and missed each other so much because of their busy schedules. the pressure got to them and it broke them.

but this break up was different. there was more screaming, throwing shit. so much hatred and resentment on both parties. anything he said, he didn’t mean. words are just words in the end. promises are just promises. he may have screamed he hated hyuck, but his actions spoke much differently. unfortunately, actions don’t always translate.

he doesn’t know how love turns to hate so quickly; why the two can almost be synonymous in a way. people love so passionately, but hate always draws from the same place. passion. to love takes passion, to hate takes passion. and, sometimes the two get muddled. 

mark keeps losing track of time. one second it was 2am, the next it’s 5am. he needs to sleep. but, he just keeps smoking instead. his eyes burn and his eyelids droop, but he doesn’t want to sleep. not in his bed alone. not when everything around him is just a reminder of what he lost. 

everytime he closes his eyes, he remembers how one second they were staring into each other’s eyes and the next donghyuck couldn’t even look at him as he gathered his stuff to go. 

_“that’s right, just leave like you always do,” mark practically growls, “pick up and take off when shit gets hard.”_

_hyuck swallows, hands balled into fists at his side. “fuck you mark. fuck you and your stupid fucking life.”_

_“i’m sorry i don’t fit your stupid expectations, donghyuck. i’m sorry i’m not the perfect boyfriend.. i’m sorry i’m not fucking perfect like you!”_

_“i never said i was perfect, you dick!” hyuck is screaming now. mark hates when he screams. it makes him want to curl up into a ball and cry. “you always think you’re the victim mark, but in reality, you’re the one ruining everything. you and your stupid marytr complex. grow up!”_

_“i’m ruining everything?” mark has to laugh at the ridiculous accusation. “hyuck, you’re the one with fans who shit on me every second they get. you’re the one with friends who absolutely hate my guts, who tell me to my face. i can’t be your ex, hyuck! i can’t be the man they want me to be!”_

_hyuck just wipes his eyes, turning on the heel of his foot to leave mark’s bedroom. “i never asked you to, mark.”_

when mark thinks back to that night, he knows he ruined everything. no amount of apologies could fix what had been broken between them. he was so used to everyone wanting him to be one person. he was so used to pushing who he really was in the darkness to put on a face of a person he’d never met before. he was an idol before he was human. that’s just how it worked. 

mark had never met a person who wanted him to be just him. not before hyuck. 

he hadn’t known it at the time, though. and, it is too late to repair the damage he caused. all he can do now is get high enough to forget. and when he wasn’t high, he had to numb the pain until he could forget all over again. a never ending cycle. and, now, with all the ruin left in the wake of mark’s insecurity, he has to realize even if hyuck loved him for him, he really didn’t. hyuck needed mark to be a person who could recognize his flaws and accept them and grow from them. but, mark isn’t that person. mark is a person who caves and crumbles, gives into his worst desire and self-destructs instead. 

when mark wakes up the next day, it’s 2pm and he’s missed both his practices. the break up has caused an influx of attention, and his company wants to use it to their advantage to promote his next comeback. it wasn’t supposed to be for a few more months, but they’ve moved it to next week. they did the same when the dating rumors came out. 

companies feed off of two things. publicity and pain. both come in great supply for idols in general, mark included.

he groans, head hurting and mouth dry. he carefully walks to his kitchen and is met with lee jeno, his idol best friend. jeno is sitting at the counter with a cup of coffee in hand and his phone in the other. 

there’s a mug waiting for mark and he doesn’t hesitate to take a gulp. it’s lukewarm, completely balck just the way he likes it, and mark is appreciative, yet his words say otherwise. “what the fuck are you doing here?”

jeno looks up from his phone and rolls his eyes. “good afternoon to you too. you’re welcome for the coffee by the way.”

“it’s not even hot,” mark retaliates, swallowing down another gulp.

“sorry i couldn’t accurately predict when you’d come to.” jeno is annoyed and mark feels bad. always feels bad because he’s a fucking ass to the people who care about him. 

“i’m sorry,” mark mumbles and it appeases jeno. “thanks for the coffee. i mean it.”

jeno is quiet for a moment. “hyuck was worried. that’s why i’m here.”

mark raises an eyebrow. it’s no secret that jeno is both of their best friends, the media loves to put him in the middle of their messy break up for a reason, but jeno has never taken a side, never meddled in their relationship either. not even during the initial days when the news split. he called both of them to ask how they were coping, but nothing beyond just being there for them separately.

“he did?” mark tries to refrain from sounding too interested, and god, he tries to keep from _being_ hopeful. 

jeno nods. “said you were really out of it last night. he was right, by the way. i came over like an hour ago and you were still knocked out.”

mark shrugs his shoulders nochantalty. “well, i’m fine. you can report back to him.”

“i’m not here to be the middleman, mark. i came because i was genuinely concerned. if hyuck wants to know if you’re okay, then he needs to call you himself. it’s time you both grow the fuck up.”

“did you tell him that?” mark mutters under his breath, but jeno catches it anyway.

“yeah, i did, actually. and he just rolled his eyes. it’s been a month, mark. you can’t keep on like this. at some point, you’ve got to move on.”

“can’t i just wallow in my misery for the rest of my life?” mark asks, sitting down at the counter next to jeno. 

“are you sure you’re the hyung?” jeno quirks an eyebrow and mark huffs. jeno opens his mouth like he wants to speak, but no words are ever put out into the open. instead, he just drinks his coffee.

mark rubs his face with his hands. he’s tired of this cycle, but he doesn’t know what else he can do. he used to write songs when he was upset, but now, no words come to mind. nothing in his head forms lyrics and the page is left blank. so, all he really has are drugs to sate him.

when jeno finishes his coffee, he leaves mark’s apartment with an apologetic smile on his face. he feels bad about leaving mark in such a bad condition, but just like every other idol, jeno has commitments to attend to. mark is used to getting shit for skipping practice, jeno isn’t. 

mark rinses the two mugs out and goes to the bathroom for a shower. he looks in the mirror and sighs heavily. there are dark circles under his eyes. his face has hallowed as a result of not eating. he’s thinned out and not in a way he’ll be praised for.

they like him skinny, but not too skinny. they like when he has a tired college student look, but not too tired. he likes him this way, but not too much. he can never win. he can never live up to the perfecti idol, no matter how much he fucking tires. he could kill himself trying to be perfect, but still not be good enough. 

he steps into the hot water ten minutes after letting it run and steam up his entire bathroom. the water turns his skin red from the heat, but he doesn’t even care. can’t bring himself to give any fucks. 

when he gets out, he has to force his feet to move toward his bedroom. just walking into his room makes his heart weak. it smells like donghyuck, even after all this time. maybe that’s mark’s imagination playing cruel tricks on him, but he swears on his grave it’s true. 

there are still items of donghyuck’s in his closet. there’s still donghyuck everywhere. his clothes, his toothbrush, his phone case, his sticky notes. he’s all over mark’s room. he has sure as hell left his mark. 

mark silently pulls a hoodie from his closet and can’t even bring himself to grab a diferent one when he realizes it’s hyuck’s. it’s gray, smells sweet, soft all over. mark pulls it over his bare torso and practically melts under the touch. call him pathetic, but it makes him feel like he’s still in hyuck’s embrace. like for one sweet, brief second, he is still donghyuck’s and donghyuck is still his. 

mark loves to live in his imagination. that’s why he became an idol, after all. being famous, singing and rapping and dancing for millions of people. all of that was a dream, part of his imagination in between classes at school. 

so, it’s no surprise to mark when he dazes out and he lets himself pretend. 

_“stop tickling, you fucking asshole!” hyuck squeals as mark’s fingers dig into the side of the younger’s stomach._

_“gimme a kiss then!” mark isn’t letting go of his previous demand. hyuck had refused him before, and this was the result._

_“no! you ruined your chances of a kiss by tickling me.” hyuck is still giggling while mark pins his legs to the bed by sitting on his thighs and his hands with his knees._

_“fine.” mark presses his fingers into the dips of hyuck’s sides, forcing a laugh from the other. he doesn’t stop, relentless, without mercy, and finally, hyuck calls mercy._

_“o-okay! k-kiss me!”_

_mark’s hands stop and he looks at hyuck with eyes wide as saucers. “really?”_

_“yeah, dumbass, kiss me.”_

_so, mark does._

playing pretend hurts. it always leaves mark hurting more than before and he collapses onto his bed in a fit of tears. why? why? why? 

why was he such a fuck up? why couldn’t he be the man hyuck needed? why couldn’t he be the person _he_ needed to be? 

as many people as mark’s let down, he has to add his own goddamn name to the list. he wants to stop hurting so many people, letting so many people down, but what he wants is unrealistic, unattainable. hyuck will never love him again. he will never be the person he should be. that’s the honest to god truth, and mark just fucking wishes he could accept it.

instead, his mind and heart keep tricking him into thinking it was tangible. mark is sick of being him. he’s sick of all these expectations. from fans, from his company, from himself. 

his pillow his tear stained, cheeks red, eyes swollen when his doorbell rings. he swallows hard and wipes his eyes. he slowly pushes himself out of bed, tuning out his doorbell on his trek to his front door. 

he throws the door open, not expecting the person in front of him.

“donghyuck?” his voice shakes, trembles, quivers. his body is frozen in place. he hasn’t seen donghyuck in the flesh in so long. it feels unreal, and he prays to god his imagination isn’t conjuring up a picture of hyuck to make him feel even worse. the younger’s hair is a different color, silver now instead of light brown, probably dyed for his upcoming comeback. it’s all part of the publicity stunt. their companies want to pit them against each other, rile fans up, cause controversy. because that’s what sells.

“mark.” donghyuck looks mark up and down, face looking the slightest bit concerned. “you’ve been crying,” it’s an observation, not a question.

mark nods slowly. “yeah.”

“you’re in my sweatshirt,” hyuck also observes aloud.

mark blushes a bit, eyes cast downward in embarrassment of getting caught. “yeah, i guess i am.”

an awkward silence fills the air and when hyuck can’t take it any longer, he asks to come inside. mark lets him in without any arguments. 

the younger makes himself comfortable on the couch where mark had been fucking out of it just the night before. mark distances himself, deciding to sit in the armchair across from the couch despite the way his body protests. 

“why are you here?” mark doesn’t mean for it to sound so mean, but maybe he does. he doesn’t know anymore, if he’s honest. 

donghyuck takes a deep breath before answering. “you want the honest answer?”

mark nods.

“i missed you. and, i heard your voicemail.”

“all of it?” mark feels slightly mortified, but he barely remembers what he said. he remembers the gist of it. 

hyuck shakes his head in confirmation. “yeah. all of it.”

“oh.” mark licks his lips, unsure what else to say. hyuck obviously came here for a reason, and, mark knows from experience he can’t pry it out of the younger. he’ll let it be known when he’s ready. 

the silence that grows between them is thick enough to suffocate anyone else who walked into the room. 

at last, hyuck speaks up. “i meant i...i-i keep replaying the argument in my head. i can’t stop it, it’s on a continuous loop. and, i really fucking meant it when i said i never aksed you to be anyone but you. i never wanted you to be anyone but yourself.”

mark doesn’t know what to say. he has to many thoughts running through his head. he can’t find the right words, so he says the wrong ones. “but, you did.”

hyuck quirks his head to the side. he looks annoyed. “how? when? literally, explain it to me, mark. because i don’t remember ever wanting you to be different!”

mark rubs his temples. “it wasn’t with words, hyuck,” mark sighs. “it was...it was just like unwritten rules. i dunno how to explain it. like everyone else in my life wants me to be someone i’m not, so why wouldn’t you? your fans certainely wanted me to be someone else. i was never good enough.”

“so it was my fans? i’m not my fucking fans, mark! just like you’re not yours! what the fuck.” hyuck sounds mad and mark is frustrated he can’t explain it to make hyuck understand.

“i know,” mark grits out, jaw tight. “i know that. that’s not what i’m saying, hyuck.”

“then what are you even saying?” hyuck yells it and mark flinches.

and, in contrast to hyuck’s screaming, mark whispers, “don’t you get it, hyuck? i’m not enough. i will never be enough. i want to be perfect so, so, so bad. but, i’ll never reach that. it’s not just you, it’s everything around me.”

hyuck stops being angry just to look at mark. to really look at him. to see him for all his flaws and all his perfections. when they make eye contact, hyuck feels his heart stop. hyuck thinks maybe, just maybe, he understands. “oh, mark.” 

“don’t you get it? if i push you away, if i make you hate me, it’s so much easier than letting you down over and over again. i can prove for once and for all that i’m not good enough, that i can’t live up to all these expectations. if you see that i’m not enough, then you’ll leave me for good. and, i don’t have to watch your face fall in disappointment every time i let you down. i...i can live with knowing you hate me, hyuck, if only it means i don’t have to crush my own heart by failing you time after time.”

“oh, baby,” hyuck’s voice is soft instead.

**Author's Note:**

> uhm i wrote this in one sitting lol but uhm haha i hope u enjoyed
> 
> mark's feelings are kinda reflection of my own so idk yeah thank u for reading. pls leave a kudos/comment . they mean a whole whole lot to me
> 
> xoxo, liv
> 
> [twit](https://twitter.com/flirtmarkno)
> 
> [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/marknorens)


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